Not sure what or how

A Journal Entry

I've been working in IT industry for over 13 years now. I went through a couple of web technologies, had a mix of roles, from front-end developer to full-stack dev, then to team lead, and eventually manager. I always liked technical challenges, mainly because I didn't think of myself as a very good engineer. The impostor syndrome was strong with me. So I found enormous pleasure in solving issues that others couldn't or simply didn't want to. My mind coped better if I thought of those problems as unsolvable by others, it gave me a sense of importance.

The higher my rank became, the less code I wrote. At times I was fine with it, and at times I wasn't. The thing is, solving technical problems gave me a sense of purpose. Now, in the last years, with the growth of AI tools, I find myself in a weird position. I don't feel like I'm a good manager, as I don't really like being one, which is a strange place to be. And I also don't feel like I'm a good engineer, as I didn't write that much code to maintain my (at least perceived) level of technical skills.

I was and still am operating based on objectives. I find it easier to set a goal and work towards it for a period of time. Now, with AI being such an enabling tool, I feel some sort of anxiety that I'm missing out on something.

The old fear of missing out. Not that I'm not using it, I'm using it extensively as my line of work requires it. But it makes me anxious that I could be doing more with it. It's not a new feeling. I was feeling the same whenever I started working with a new technology. I was so obsessed with learning it from start to finish that I was missing the point of it, which is to solve problems. Maybe my own problems.

Long story short, I actually started reading a little bit more, started disconnecting from "things" a little bit more.

I think it's healthier for me to just find my footing again, something that is authentic to me, no matter what storm is outside. There is too much to absorb from the outside world, and I don't think my brain was designed for such an immense amount of information, shitty at that.

If you feel overwhelmed and overloaded, consider focusing on a personal objective for a period without looking that much at what is happening around you. It's easier to say than to do, and I don't always do it myself, as I'm being drawn to the drama over which I don't have any control. But hey, the brain wants drama, so it's drawn to it. Still, I make constant efforts to live my life in the reality around me, the one that I actually exist in, not the one that may be happening somewhere on a screen. It has nothing to do with giving up or not staying informed. Rather, accepting that my brain, which is a machine, is not designed to process so much noise pretending to be useful information.

I walk a little more. I listen to strange music from old soundtracks, from movies like Ghost in the Shell. And I'm training myself to continue down my own path, towards my own goals, without being afraid of where that will bring me. As long as it's authentic to me.